Iowa, not just the land of corn and hillbillies

This particular adventure takes place in Dubuque, Iowa.

My powerlifting team and I were on a trip to Dubuque for a powerlifting competition. It's one of the biggest of the year and I was going to help "handle" lifters. (handling a lifter is kinda like being a coach and manager at the same time)

The competition was cool. Lots of our guys and girls did well. So..... what to do after something like this? You go out and drink.

Since I am one of the more responsible characters on this excursion, I was put in charge of making sure no one got arrested. Well, there was that and there was the fact that I was the one with the rental car.

And away we go!

First stop, indian casino. This was no normal indian casino, oh no. The indian casinos that I have been to (in the bay area) are filled with decrepit, washed up, vile humans who sit at the slots with a cigarette in one hand and the other hand furiously hammering away at the stupid buttons. I wanted to tell these people that they would be more productive if they used that furious motion for handjobs. They would definitely make more money that way. These people have nothing better to do than spend their hard earned money on games designed to have you lose. Now, this casino was state of the art. Not only was it clean, poshy, and void of the previously mentioned scum, there was a really cool auditorium with a stage, stadium seating, and a huge bar. Me and 3 other guys from my team grabbed some drinks and sat at a table to shoot the shit and people watch. About 15 minutes into our drinks, 4 older women sit next to us. In our group, we had a 60 year old, whom I shall now refer to as Oldman, who took a particular liking to one of these mature cougars. Oldman worked his lyrical wordsmithing and managed to get them to sit and drink with us.

After chatting for an hour and listening to the live band on stage, Oldman and another guy decided to go dancing with 2 of the ladies. While this was going on, I happened to notice a group of people sitting in a booth right below us who just so happened to be at the powerlifting meet earlier that day. They were from Minnesota and came down to compete. Naturally, they joined up with us. Ok, so everyone is getting drunk, except for me, as I had the rental car and was in charge of watching these idiots. One of the girls from the Minnesota group asked, "hey, so what the fuck are we gonna do now?" The place was gonna close in 30 minutes and everyone was just getting started. Well, one of the mature cougars chimed in, "I know of this place in east Dubuque that would be perfect for a group like you guys". So, we went.

You ever hear of East Oakland, East Palo Alto, East dangerville? Yeah, East Dubuque was no different. We drove through a run down industrial area and I mean this place looked like shit. The whole time, I was thinking to myself, "these fucking old broads are gonna rob then kill us". We eventually made it to the area they were talking about. I shit you not, amongst all the filth and grime, there was this street, 2 blocks long, that had nothing but bars and strip clubs.

Our group of about 12 broke into 2 groups. The cougars, Oldman and I went to a bar to hang out. The 3 other guys from my team along with the Minnesota group went to a strip club across the street. About 30 minutes after we got in the bar, I decided it was time to go and check on the boys across the street. Boy, that was a mistake. They were ass deep in ugly strippers. Seriously, they were busted up. They all had stretch marks from having kids and I'm pretty sure one was pregnant. What do you expect from a 3 dollar cover? Anyways, the guys and the Minnesota group were sitting at the stage and watching the strippers. I went over to the guys and asked how they were doing. They all said they were doin fine. I was just about to leave, when I noticed that one of the guys totally stuck his tongue out while a stripper was air humping in front of him. Now this isn't bad in itself, except that he eventually tongue punched her butthole. I almost threw up as I left in absolute horror. We still give that guy shit for doing that.

So, I head back to the bar. It had been drizzling outside, so the floor was kinda wet. I get to the bar and right on the steps, there were these guys trying to get in. I guess the bouncer didn't like how they looked and told them they couldn't get in. Well, the situation kinda escalated until one of the guys on the steps took a small step back.... he slipped and totally ate shit. Needless to say, they left. When I got back in, I realized that they had started charging 3 dollar cover. 3 dollar cover? What the hell is that? Why 3? When I met up with Oldman and the cougars, I asked one the ladies what the cover was all about. She said, and I quote, "Oh, the 3 dollar cover helps keep the bad black people out." Yep, she said that. SIDEBAR (I didn't know at the time, but she was one of those unintentional racists. I found out later that when I was at the strip club, one of the cougars asked, "hey Oldman, where is that oriental friend of yours?" hahahah, stupid Iowa broads.) I asked the cougar where Oldman was. She pointed me in his direction. I found him. Boy oh boy did I find him. He had his tongue half way down her throat and he was totally sporting wood. I pointed and laughed at him to which he said, "who fuckin cares? I'm old and she's hot" At about 3am, I decided it was time for me to head back to the hotel. I asked Oldman if he wanted a ride back. He said he'd get a ride with the cougars. I went to the strip club to and asked if any of them wanted to go back to the hotel. 2 of them came with me. The other 2 stayed. I know I was in charge of watching them, but holy shit, I'm not their daddy. So I left.

I found out the next morning, how the rest of the night went. The 2 guys went with Oldman and the cougars to one of their homes. They hung out for a bit and had a few more drinks. Oldman got a ride from the cougar he was mackin on back to the hotel. The 2 guys were kinda stuck because the other cougars couldn't drive at that point. So, one of the ladies called a cab. She called a cab driver who she apparently was friends with. The cabbie arrived and my guys had no cash on them, the driver didn't accept cards....the lady didn't have cash on her either but she resolved the problem by saying this, "Oh Daryl, just give these guys a ride home, I'll give you a blowjob later." Hahahahahahahahahahh

Well, we all made it home and while I was kinda grossed out by the whole thing, I was definitely entertained. Sometimes, not drinking can suck, but other times, you have the chance to be completely aware and remember all the fucked up shit your friends do while drunk.

Lesson that was learned? Stay away from East Dubuque.