Sometimes, you just gotta....

kick a girl in the cooter.

I would never actually perform such an act.

That being said, if I were to ever come across a reason to do such a thing, I hope it would go something like this:

Why European Summer Exchange girls are Awesome

Disclaimer: I was not the one who noticed this phenomenon at first. Nor did I or anyone else take pictures. I was living on the all male floor of a dorm during summer school at Cal. What did you expect to happen?


This was the summer after my 2nd year at Cal. I believe I was taking a Physical Chemistry course in order to fulfill some prerequisite for something. Anyways, that's besides the point. The dorm I stayed in was coed. The floor I was assigned to just happened to be the only all male floor.


This ended up being ok because we all became good friends and partied alot during that summer. After one particular party half way through the summer session, my roommate and I were woken up by some loud yelling. It was from the guy at the end of the hallway yelling that we had to come over to his room asap. This was at 7:30 in the morning after a particularly drunken party. I reluctantly moseyed on over to his room.

At the exact moment upon walking into the room I noticed that everyone else on the floor was there and they were all staring at a room that was across the quad. What I'm about to write truly happened and if I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have believed it myself.

There were 2 european girls living in that room, attending Cal for summer sessions. (I know they are european because later we made a mad dash for the dining commons to see them up close and possibly talk to them) They had their blinds drawn completely. Their room was an open vista for all to see. The two girls were wearing bath towels as they had just come back from their morning shower. And then it happened.... they removed the towels and started walking around in broad morning daylight, naked. Great, you're thinking, so what? There are naked people everywhere. Sure, that may be, but my experience up till that point with live naked girls was non-existent. These girls, however, turned it up a notch. They then proceeded to lotion their entire bodies starting with their torso and ending with their feet. When they were generously applying coat after shiny coat of lotion to their legs, they did this by hoisting their leg up onto the desk that was facing us.

Now, I have no idea if they intentionally did this or not. Hell, I have no idea if they could even see us. Thinking back, maybe the morning sun shining into their room prevented them from seeing outside. You know, kinda like a see through mirror deal. This went on every morning until the last day of summer sessions. We were going to make a huge poster and put it up on that guy's room saying, "THANKS FOR THE WONDERFUL MEMORIES!"

Unfortunately, we all got stupid drunk the night before and forgot to do it.

My Bucket List

At a recent beer hour after work, there was brief discussion on a "bucket list". I already forget what I had wanted to add to that list but that's not the point. The point is that I don't even have a list!

So, this blog post will be the first draft of my bucket list. Things may change or be added depending on life situations


1. Go to Asia. I have never been. I don't even have a valid passport right now. I'm a horrible person, I know. The thing is, I don't just want to go to Asia and see the sights. I want self affirmation that I am the biggest and strongest Asian known to man. I want to walk into a t-shirt store, ask for a 3xl size shirt and see what happens. Above all else, I want to go to Japan, put on a godzilla suit and run down a busy street yelling, "GODZIRRA!" at the top of my lungs.

2. Get drunk or high with midgets. Don't think I need to explain this one.

3. Punch a neo-con in the face. (extra credit points for those of you who get this reference)

4. Actually find a neo-con. See above

5. Play a round of golf at Pebble Beach.

6. Do stand up comedy at a dive club. I have always dreamed of doing stand up, at least once in my life. Crazy thing is that I get extremely nervous standing in front of people. Not sure how I'm gonna make this one happen, but it has to.

So that's it. If I think of anything else.....

Drinking Games

This story is short. It's also not very funny.

Yesterday (8/8/09) I played two drinking games that I had never played before. Beirut and Flip Cup.

Beirut sucks. Sorry, it's slow and boring.

Flip Cup is awesome. I don't know how I never played this game before. Out of the 2 times that I was the anchor, we won. I am Bad Ass.

Yeah, so flip cup is a good drinking game and a way to get rid of cheap beer, fast.

The one time I cried in public

I don't cry. I view it as a sign of weakness. There are some exceptions to the rule: passing of a family member or friend. Passing of a beloved dog. Getting kicked in the nuts, HARD.

There was this one time though..... I was going to watch a movie at AMC Kabuki in Japan-town.

The movie: Stuart Little.

My girlfriend at the time and I stood in line to see this movie. We were the only adults that were not accompanied by children. We had heard good things and decided it would be a welcome respite for the weekend.

While we were standing in line, I started to feel a little woozy. Slightly nauseous. I felt a little flush, but thought nothing of it since I normally run a little hot. During the movie, my symptoms got worse and I noticed that my forehead started to get very warm. Oh great, I'm getting sick. There was no way I was gonna go home half way through the movie and lose out on ticket money. So, I gutted it out and stayed.

I guess I started to get a little delirious because at one point during the movie, someone was making fun of Stuart Little and I started to cry...."why are they picking on him? what the fuck did he do to deserve that?" I quickly caught myself and thought, "holy shit, I am totally fucked up right now"

We went home and it turns out that I had the flu. It f'd me up for 2 days. I had a fever of 102 or something the night of the movie.

The girlfriend at the time laughed at me for crying during the movie, while I was sick as a dog lying in bed.

She got the flu right when my symptoms were gone.

I got the last laugh.

Quite possibly my most embarrassing childhood story

You're probably thinking, more embarrassing than walking around in my underwear?

Yes, it is. This memory involves a girl. A girl that I had a mad crush on in junior high. Me walking around in my underwear as a drunk adult is funny. This story is embarrassing. And while I can laugh at it now, I still cringe a little inside as to how awkward the situation was.

Without further ado....

Kids can be so stupid sometimes. Especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I was no exception to this case. There was this girl in my 6th grade class. Beautiful, funny, smart, etc etc. She had it all. And I wanted it all. I dreamt up many scenarios involving me going up to her and asking her out. All of them seemed logical in my mind, but when it came down to actually doing it, I would panic and put the whole thing off. Every new 6th grade class gets to go on a week-long camping trip up to Foothill Horizons in the Sierra Nevada mountains. This was a HUGE deal because we got to spend time away from our families and run amok. I had decided in my mind that I would find a way to finally communicate my feelings to her.

How would I do this? There is no way I can muster the courage to just go up and ask her out. I consulted a friend of mine at the time, he was also just as naive as I, and together we came up with, what we thought, was a fool proof plan. I was going to write her a poem delineating my adoration and obvious emotional upheaval over her.

The poem?

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I know that I like you
and I hope you like me too.


YES NO
(I drew a box next to either option and left it for her to check mark)

I know, much like Kanye, I was a lyrical genius. Take it easy, as I'm sure you're laughing your ass off. I was 11 years old and this was my first attempt at "spitting game." (editor's note: it has been 19 years since that fateful day and while I have had much time to improve, my game is still just as weak)

My friend voluteered to deliver the note to her and then we waited. The following day, she comes skipping up towards me with another guy arm in arm, and proceeds to tell me, "sorry, but I already have a boyfriend." They both laugh to themselves and merrily skip away. I wasn't devastated, hurt, or embarrassed by this. I felt like an idiot, but that was about it.

So, you might be thinking, "well, this isn't THAT embarrassing" And you would be right. This is just a prelude to what happens a few years later.....

Freshman year in high school. Art History class with Mr. James. We had broken up into groups to create pastel drawings of historical figures. Halfway through the class, my aforementioned crush called out my name.

"Hey Ken.... you remember this?"

I glanced over at her and saw it in her outstretched hand: that binder paper poem that I had composed for her. I immediately panicked and hoped that by dismissing it she would just put the poem away. She made a motion towards her bag to put the paper away and that is when it happened. The class clown, BR, had overheard the exchange and decided that he wanted to know more.

"What's this?" BR says as he snatches the poem out of her hand.

BR reads the note out loud to the entire class. Everyone laughs. Holy shit, was I mortified. It took a while for the whole situation to die down. People laughed and made fun for a while. It didn't help that I went to a small school, so by the time school got out that day, everyone knew.

I have recently talked to the girl and we reflected on those moments and laughed about it. She apologized profusely for what happened and I told her that there was no need. At the time, I was embarrassed beyond belief, but now, looking back, I can laugh out loud because I was young, stupid, and had no game.

My Virgin Dance with Ethanol

Summer sessions at Cal during the summer of '96 in the Unit 3 dormitories (Ida Sproul to be exact) is where this spectacular story of my first-time-ever encounter with ye olde Fire Water.

A few weeks into the summer session, I got to know most of the people in the dorm and made a lot of good friends. One of those friends, Youki would be the harbinger of my impending demise.
A bunch of people in Ida Sproul decided to throw a party on the 3rd floor. I was going to attend, but not drink as I was afraid of what might happen.

Youki decides that this situation is unacceptable and about an hour before the party is supposed to start he brings with him: bottle of absolute, bottle of glenlivet, bottle of jack daniels, and 4 other guys from throughout the dorm. We gather at my desk in my room and Youki pours the vodka shots. The other guys all down their shots. I sit there with a stupid look on my face and proceed to make a rookie mistake. I smell the shot of vodka and yell, "what the fuck? you want me to drink that? it smells like rubbing alcohol!"

PUSSY! WIMP! CHICKEN! These and more obscenties followed but I couldn't hear because I finally took the shot. It burned. Looking back, absolute was probably not a good idea as it is shit vodka, but what did I know? We did a few more shots of vodka, one of the glenlivet, and one of the whisky. Then we moseyed on up to the 3rd floor party. I had a pretty damn good buzz going on at this time and thought to myself that it would be ok to stop drinking. Youki must have sensed this and told me, "dude, you need to have at least one drink every hour so you don't lose your buzz." I agreed and kept drinking... and drinking.... When the room started to spin, I stopped. The next thing I remember was being dragged to the balcony and placed on a lawn chair type thing so I could get some fresh air. This is where the shit hit the fan for me. From what I remember and what I was told the next day, I kept screaming about how my dad was going to find out I was drunk and that he was gonna kill me. One guy, out of desparation to get me sober decided to hand me two caffeine pills. I took them. Did not help. The only other logical conclusion was to take me to my room and have me sleep it off. On the way through the lounge, I noticed a 1.5liter bottle of water sitting on a table. I have no idea how the hell this happened or what I was thinking but, I could have sworn that the bottle was laughing at me. I yelled out, "what the fuck are you laughing at!" and punched the bottle across the room. At this point, I pretty much just passed out.

I woke up the next morning with not only a pounding headache, but with the worst possible case of dry mouth. My tounge literally felt like a dried up sponge. I wobbled out of bed, drank some water and tried to pull myself together so I could get some breakfast. I made it to the lobby to see Youki and a few of the other guys walking across the quad to the dining commons. They yelled at me to come eat. I nodded and then proceeded to dry heave for the next 10 minutes.

Eventually, I made it to the dining commons. We all talked about the night before and the guys couldn't stop laughing at what I did last night.

I really miss college.